#bc i haven't in weeks
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coping real hard
#messyr#doodle#written exams done but left with SO MANY PROJECT BACKLOGS#im exhausted#lIKe— I haven't been sleeping much for weeks since last month HHGRRGH#whether bc of projects or that im completely restless#artists on tumblr#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel alastor#hazbin alastor#alastor#human alastor#hazbin hotel fanart
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the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.
three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.
two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.
their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.
one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.
i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.
i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.
and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?
you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.
a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.
someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.
#writeblr#warm up#this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru#but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist#ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school.#like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it.#was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes.#but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create''#when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work#part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just#like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent.#speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r#ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week#this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice.#''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism#imagine if we said that about literally any other profession.#''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt?#u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky''#we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY#''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''
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pokemon au
#akia art#our life#olba#baxter ward#olba mc#pokemon#we're back to the obnoxiously long posts w this one 🤣#i'm only a casual consumer but pkmn is probably my fondest childhood ip.. it'll always be famous to me#i was going to do trainer splash art for each page but gave tf up LOL#there's maggie's drinks fit that i haven't shown before tho 🤣 it's her senior prom dress#+ the fankids bc it wouldn't be pkmn w/o pkmn childhoods#(i hope everyone stateside is taking care after this past week 👴)#i wasn't even old enough to vote the first time this happened so it's unreal to me that we're here again all these yrs later
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All the DC gotcha4gaza prompts I've completed since my last post! Donations are over now but there's still more art to come, so stay tuned!
#dc comics#dc#damian wayne#jay nakamura#james jesse#hartley rathaway#donna troy#cassie sandsmark#uh. not gonna tag chococat necessarily#OH HOW COULD I FORGET#batman#bruce wayne#superman#clark kent#okay that's everyone#anyway i haven't been able to read much lately. or draw. or just in general do anything#not necessarily for lack of time but bc I've been here there and everywhere over the past few weeks 😭#I'm having a brief hotel stay too tomorrow bc of work being done on the house. which I'm happy w don't get me wrong I'm just#extremely tired due to my own machinations#uhh anyway yeah I'm. very tired
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Watching Sam & Brennan talk about the beauty of frivolity, of adults playing silly games just as seriously as they fight to survive, and... yeah. There are some things that keep us alive, and there are some things that make life worth living, and I think games are one of those things that fall into both categories. Games make our lives better and they make us better at being alive. I think that's pretty cool.
#k talks#adventure academy#dropout tv#sam reich#brennan lee mulligan#and i say this not in an evopsych way. never. but in a historian looking back at the infinite intricacy of human experience and crying#i know i'm not really saying anything that anarchist philosophers haven't already said but it just hits me every time. it's so good#(& when the lich heard brennan quote graeber we had to pause the video while he had a little philosophical squee)#i feel for brennan not being able to play mafia bc he's too busy hosting it tho. bc. mood#i am rarely allowed to survive a mafia game these last few years#i wish i could invite everyone else who went 'oof. yeah. same' to join my decade-long group of assorted folks#who've been playing increasingly complicated week-long games of mafia over forum & then facebook & now discord for a decade or so#bc oh boy. those games are fun as HELL & we always love new players#especially the kind who will play DEADLY seriously :)
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Puttin on some clothes.... Gotta keep it casual.
Treat me ~ Tip Me ~ More of me
#Idk what to weeeeaaaar I haven't worn real clothes all week bc ill so now my brain is buzzing (angry bees) at the concept#This dress likes my tiddies fr#Fishnet Friday#cheeky#Ootd#Maybe??? I may keep rummaging through the wardrobe for inspiration#satans knitwear#alt pinup#pinup girl#Idk what kinda vibes this gives...
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there are so many "if this gets (insert number) notes i'll do something productive/good for me!" but has there ever been one where someone goes
if this gets 10k notes i'll slap myself in the face
i suppose i'm wondering
would people be so eager to reblog if it would cause something slightly unpleasant?
#i'm honestly curious#i would have just made the post#but i don't want people to be worried abt me slapping myself in the face XD#evie rambles#okee dokee back to school now#help i need sleep#maybe being quarantined is making me go insane#i haven't talked to anyone outside my family for like over 2 weeks bc we've been sick#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
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maybe maybe a mistake taking astronomy; idk why I thought I'd suddenly be a physics mastermind just bc I have more motivation for it now. It's the first week and I have no actual clue what I'm doing (or more accurately: should be doing. Mostly so far it's been lots of staring and muttering of "what the fuck" in regular intervals)
#think I'll see couple weeks and then throw in the towel if it seems impossible#but gotta not be dumb abt it; got other courses as well can't solely focus on just this one and should actually prioritize the other#courses tbh like I'm never going to do anything with astronomy anyways; this is solely bc I want to see how it is#but rn it could just be like me being rusty in everything maths&physics related#like googling mf sin cos tan like I don't remember shit#except some like idk vectors and matrices I've used in coding#but like basic ass math? dude no idea haven't used it#for context: it's been 6 years since I last took a physics class (in high school) and like 2 years since the last purely math course#but I feel so stupid like ik the physics students there are probs just breezing through the first weeks like oof I'm big time not#studyblr#study#dark academia#uni studyblr#stemblr#january 2025#2025
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Assorted doodles across time
#homestuck#dirk strider#jake english#dirkjake#jakedirk#hom3stuck#home24uck#home2t4ck#admin draws#fanart#scraped across my gallery for things i haven't posted#theres an even and neat split between those i drew on my Wacom#and those i fingerdoodled on my mobile app bc i had no other thing#old strawpage doodle too for a twt moot that i kept deliberating whether to post but like why not.#anyways. sleepy. this time next week ill be back at home. oorah#maybe going to some doctors appointments. hopefully studyinf and drawing a lot more
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orpheus and thanatos 💚
#persona 3#ryomina#ryoji mochizuki#minato arisato#makoto yuki#lizzy does art#HIII EVERYONE :3 happy halloween.... (has been working on this for four weeks off and on)#i've always yearned to see art of ryoji and minato based on thanatos and orpheus!!!#i know that ryoji can be likened to being the eurydice figure which i agree with but I HAVE BEEN THINKING SO HARD ABT THEM LIKE THIS OK.#it was nice to give drawing something more ambitious (for my standards) an earnest try again! i love working with lineless and lighting#and working on this has inspired me to HOPEFULLY start doing some studies of sorts! i want to learn so many things...#all so that i can make ryomina as epic as possible...#also LET ME TELL YOU that thanatos coffins are making me realize i seriously need to do drawabox or something.#trying to put them in perspective is hard... but im pretty happy with what i made!!!#also can i just say i love how shapely orpheus is?? i love orpheus joints etc etc its so nice. very fresh#sighs longingly. i love them very much they make me want to do better at things. i hope everyone has a wonderful week ahead! 💙#very excited to see what people do for ryomina week (<- they haven't made anything 4 it yet bc Busy... but i'll submit smthn late maybe)
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if i had a nickel for every time i've been obsessed with drawing a gentle 40 something year old wizard man who would go to extreme lengths for love getting with a beautiful elf woman with red hair and a thing for skeletons, i'd have two nickels which isn't a lot but it's weird that it's happened twice
#ramble#lup and cyra would get along very well#if you haven't thought about barry bluejeans yet this week. remember to do that#also#'tall slender very hot person with white hair and pale skin falls for short awkward person with dark hair' has happened twice as well#which is absolutely crazy#bc i didn't even know bg3 was happening until it released and i think i made datemate before early access was even out
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things that are Too Much: both times lancelot dies, the last face he sees is merlin's, and the last thing he does is smile.
#bbc merlin#merlin#lancelot#merlin x lancelot#mercelot#lancelot du lac#the darkest hour#4x02#4x09#parallels#text: merlin#my text#no i still haven't made it to 4x09 in my rewatch bc i don't know HOW i could possibly do that to myself again#especially when lancelot's death has been hitting me harder the last few weeks than it ever did in all the years since i first#watched the show#but i /have/ watched the ending funeral scene#and cried#a lot#i could cry just seeing gifs of that scene#heck at this point merely /thinking/ of it might be enough
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russell pixel portrait and some different expressions i drew a few weeks ago for discord emotes
#end roll#russell seager#my art#pixel art#THE END ROLL TAG HAS BEEN TOO DESOLATE I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMOREEE#i was busy playing the new dragon age game for the past two weeks#am done now but am still processing all that for a bit wheeze#HOPING TO GET THE END ROLL ART GOING AGAIN SOON NEVERTHELESS#anyway. did these mainly bc i wanted more russell expressions and figured segawa would not like edits of her sprites considering things#SO I DID MY OWN#the reason i took so long to upload these anywhere (and still haven't bothered for twitter or bsky) is because#pixel art is just. so painfully nerfed visually on social media it barely feels worth it AFKJBBKFJ#is ok here tho so i was also just lazy#i have more variations but i don't wanna drop a whole wall of images#they're 2x size (92 px) btw bc that's the overall most crisp size for discord i tried
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oh no, you killed her! what have you done? inspired by this (they're one of my favorite artists EVER i love their works so much)
#its been a while while i'm so sorry ya'll these weeks are insanely keeping me busy but hey at least i'm almost done w chapter 7-8 :D#this is a phone doodle with my finger bc i haven't drawn in a hot minute#ik people tend to hc william as a guy who enjoyed making charlie suffer but the idea that he's somewhat remorseful about it is interesting#(no this doesn't make william any better like. at all. i want him to suffer and die a brutal death for being a selfish motherfucker :D)#hidden hands au#fnaf au#william afton#fnaf william afton#fnaf#five nights at freddys#fnaf fanart#five nights at freddys fanart#fanart#my art
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they r very important to meeeeee
#i haven't drawn anything in so long bc i just had surgery and before that i was so sick#but!! im feeling much better and i still have a week left of bed rest so hopefully this drawing kickstarts my brain#not that i haven't been drawing but rlly it's been all my mha oc's that i'm Far too attached to#PLEASE DONT TAG THIS AS SHIP THEY R FATHER AND SON#usually idgaf about ppl tagging shit whatever they want but this one is very special to me#dad might#izuku midoriya#yagi toshinori#all might#my hero academia#mha fanart#deku#i like the sketch wayyy better but i spent too long on the color to let it rot in my procreate folder
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@steddieangstyaugust 12/08 // ‘Terrible Things’ by Mayday Parade
wc: 530 // rating: M // cw: references to sexual content, references to parental abuse // tags: angst, mutual pining, bad parental figures, unhealthy relationships
divider credits @steddiecameraroll-graphics
They’re not together.
Steve comes to the trailer almost every night, waiting until after Wayne’s left for work, or sneaking through a window. But they’re not together.
Eddie’s heart jumps in his chest when he answers the door. His eyes flutter shut when Steve’s lips meet his. Eddie could swear their hearts beat as one when their chests are pressed against each other. When Steve is inside him, he feels whole. They lay together in the cramped bed after, shared joints passed back and forth, arms around each other, heads on chests, sweet nothings whispered. But they’re not together.
Steve leaves before the sun comes up. Kisses Eddie on the lips—soft, sweet, romantic—and says he’ll be back the next night. Which he will. Eddie wants to ask him to just stay. Almost does, every time he leaves. But he can’t. Because they’re not together.
Eddie wants to, but he won’t bring it up. Because he remembers the way his father yelled. The way his mother cried. How they always fought, with Eddie hiding under his bed to get away from the noise. His mother would apologise and hold him, a sole source of comfort in their house. He remembers how awful it was when she passed, and that his father was even angrier then. Eddie has never seen a relationship that went well. Where people were actually happy. He doesn’t believe anyone can have it, let alone him. So they’re not together.
Because what they have now is good. And it’s all Eddie will let himself have.
———
They’re not together.
Eddie welcomes him with a light in his eyes that Steve only sees in the evening, and his heart aches to see it. But they’re not together.
Steve longs for the feeling of his lips on Eddie’s, of his hands in his hair, of Eddie’s teeth biting his neck. Thinks endlessly about the sounds Eddie makes when Steve enters him, taking his time, drawing it out for as long as he can. Even more, he craves the time they spend together after. The soft trailing of fingertips against hot skin, the gentle embraces, the intimacy of shared cigarettes, the ghost of their lips still on the filters. But they’re not together.
Eddie always feels so far away. No matter how close they are physically, there’s a distance. Like Steve’s being held at arm’s length. And he wants to chase. He wishes he could. But he knows when he’s not wanted, so he doesn’t. Because they’re not together.
Steve wants to talk about it, but he’s scared. Because he still feels empty when he thinks about his parents leaving him alone. Still remembers how they never had enough time for him, how they barely tolerated each other. The cold indifference that they regarded him with only rivalled by that which they treated each other with. Despite how much he wants to chase, to go after the thing he wants, he holds back. He knows better than to chase someone who doesn’t want him. Steve keeps himself safe, leaves before he can get hurt. So they’re not together.
Because what they have is enough. And Steve convinces himself it’s all he needs.
#short one today just bc i haven't posted in a while!#days 10 and 11 are coming i just wanted to spend more time w them. and also been busy this week lmao#cira writes#cira writes steddieangstyaugust#steddieangstyaugust#music monday#steddie#steddie fic#steve harrington#eddie munson#stranger things fic
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